Nothing But the Truth

I cannot believe that we have been home for 3 and 1/2 months!! So much has changed in this short period of time. I think it was hard for me to write about the details initially, because some of them were hard to sit with. Asha has adjusted beautifully, and is a resilient and brave little girl, but when we first brought her home, she struggled with some understandable grief and loss. I feel like I'm now in a place to really talk about what it has been like for us these past couple of months. I want to do this for many reasons...So that Asha can look back and see what her life was like when she first joined our family, so other adoptive families know that they are not alone if/when they experience some of these struggles, and so that Kirk and I can look back and see just how far we've come. We are slowly finding our rhythm and our balance, and it feels so good to be in this place!!

Our social worker and our adoption agency Dillon really prepared us for what to expect upon meeting Asha in India. They recommended books, sent us articles, spent hours with us on the phone. And we were ready, as ready as you can be. What we've realized is that there really is no way to prepare for what this experience is like! It's even hard to describe it to others. After we were matched with Asha, before we could travel to hold her, I had 11 months to imagine just what she was like. And oh, did I imagine. I knew she would need time to adjust, but I had no idea what her unique transition would look like. One of the hardest parts of our initial time together, was that Asha was inconsolable, for hours and hours. She didn't want to be put down, but when I held her, she pushed me away. This is so painful to deal with as a parent. I was not soothing to her. My voice, my patting her back and swaying and singing, was not calming to her. Nothing was comfortable for her. It was such a helpless feeling for Kirk and I, and frustrating too, because more than anything we just wanted to make her feel safe. For about two weeks, I held and rocked Asha for hours on end (7 to 10 hours) while she wailed, flailed, pinched herself, pulled her hair, bit herself, pushed me away and clung simultaneously. It was, in one word, heart wrenching. Looking back, one of the hardest parts was the feeling that this would never change, that Asha would never be soothed. We knew rationally that of course, this would have to shift, but in those moments, in the wee hours of the night when we hadn't slept for days and our child was in pain, it felt like all hope was lost. We were worried constantly. How were we to attach to a child that was pushing us away? What if she was sick and we didn't know it and she was in pain? We figured we must not be doing something right if she was experiencing this level of distress. I have to say, our saving grace was reaching out to our caseworker and social worker. At first we were a little scared to admit we were having such a hard time. Adoption is a process in which you are evaluated endlessly, and you must prove over and over that you will be a good parent. We didn't really feel like good parents! But we reached our wit's end, and made some calls that ended up relieving so much anxiety and pain. We were told that we weren't alone. That our feelings of hopelessness and frustration and fear were ok, normal, expected, and that even though they were there, Asha would still be able to attach and move through her grief. We were reminded that it would get better, and were told that within a week we'd see improvement. And we did. Our little girl finally began to sleep, and her inconsolable crying reduced greatly. Her self soothing behaviors of pulling her hair and pinching herself decreased significantly. Most importantly, Kirk and I shifted on a deep level, because we recognized that we were actually doing something very loving by just being with Asha in her pain. We were consistently loving, we kept her safe, and that was building the foundation for attachment to occur.

Attachment is a slow process, as our social worker says, it's a marathon not a sprint. We'd see glimpses of Asha's personality, a smile, a hearty laugh, and then not see those signs for days. At times Asha would want to be held, but wouldn't lean into us. When I kissed her sweet face, she'd tolerate me, but not really enjoy the love. She would make eye contact with me, but the look was somewhat blank. She would engage us in play, and then turn away and cry. You could almost see the internal conflict. And what we did, all we could do, was continue to reach out to her, love her, give her space while also letting her know that we were right there. We found a great carrier, called and Ergo Carrier, and strapped that little girl to our chests. She had a hard time at first, being face to face in such an intimate way. We worked on touching herself gently, touching us gently, gazing into each other's eyes, feeding each other. There were many days when we felt overwhelmed. We'd overanalyze and worry and not know if her behavior was "normal" toddler behavior, or attachment related. We didn't know how firm to be with boundaries and rules, there are so many opinions on attachment and adoption, it's hard to hear your inner truth. We realized that parenting is about a balance between Asha's needs, and our needs. We came to know that we are fairly strict parents, and that we love our routine just as much as Asha does. We pour love on her, and we follow through with discipline when she does not adhere to a rule. We began this by giving her toys time outs when she would throw them, by taking her down from her chair when she throws food, and not responding to tantrum behavior. We felt unsure as to whether we were implementing discipline too soon, but felt intuitively that Asha needed the structure. And we were right! Her tantrums reduced drastically, she stopped throwing food, and she became more calm when we stopped feeling as though we needed to respond to every need and wish. Also, we were happier parents, because that kind of expectation can feel suffocating.

In those early months, Asha seemed to do well around others, but then would reach a limit and begin to pull her hair and pinch herself. We took this as her sign to us that she had had enough, and we removed her from the overstimulating event. We also tried to watch her carefully so that she didn't get to that overwhelmed place. This meant that we avoided a lot of social interaction with others, which was isolating and somewhat lonely for us because we love to be around people. But our diligence paid off, and I believe that time with just us and immediate family provided a cushioning for her and that has contributed to her being the social butterfly she is today.

We spent many hours on the floor with Asha, playing, reading books, snoozing for brief moments :), talking with one another about how we were doing as individuals, as parents. We had weeks were we felt it was all gelling, and then weeks were it seemed like we took several steps backward. I kept feeling like I just wanted to get to a baseline level, where Asha would have to experience no more transitions, only to realize that that kind of baseline does not exist. Once we felt mostly settled, Kirk returned to work. Two weeks after that, I returned to work part time. This was very difficult for Asha, and caused her to regress into some behaviors we hadn't seen since first returning home. She began waking up an hour and a half earlier than she had been. Our previous method of putting her to sleep stopped working, and we began sleep training with her earlier than we would have liked. At night time, after several days of crying, she figured things out and would just plop over, roll around a bit, and konk out for 10 to 11 hours. But nap time was a different story. She stopped napping!! Stopped. Completely. She'd stand in her crib for 2 hours, falling asleep while leaning on the railing, and then collapse and cry and wake herself up only to stand once more. This went on for weeks. Kirk and I watched the video monitor obsessively, whispering, "Just relax Asha. Lay down, it's ok. Let go." It took her some time, and getting her fill of love and affection during the day, but she is once again a happy napper.

So this is the background, the foundation, the story, behind the Asha we see today. She is the sweetest little sugarplum you ever met, such a joy to be around. Asha loves to give hugs and kisses. She kisses my legs, my hand, she blows kisses and says "hieee there" to every person she sees in Costco and Target. She is a big hit everywhere we go. She has two dolls that she just adores. They have become her transitional objects and she talks about them all the time. She feeds them food, kisses them, says "beh beh, beh beh, beh beh" to anyone who will listen. Asha has learned to be loving and gentle with others. We had a play date the other day with a friend who has a 7 month old son. Asha could not stop patting his head, kissing his arms, and saying "BEH BEH!" She even tried to hold him, but alas, he weighs 10 pounds more than she does. One of Asha's favorite games is to crawl away from me, and then turn around and pat the ground next to her. This means, "come over to me Mama." So I crawl toward her and she squeals in delight and then I tickle her. Asha loves to be tickled, and will sign for more and more and more. Asha is learning, well more like struggling to learn, how to share with others. She has become much more tolerant of having other children play with her toys, and will wait patiently until they are done and drop the toy so that she can scoop it up. We take Asha to a great public pool in our area that has a huge zero depth area, it's like a giant bath tub. We hang out, play with toys, practice sharing, and practice putting our faces in the water. Asha is fearless! She jumps off the side into my arms, dunks her face, and through it all has a smile on her face.

It feels like we are a family, the three of us. When I hold Asha in my arms, and she leans into me, puts her soft curls against my cheek, it is a feeling like no other. I can feel that she now feels solace in my arms. I can sense her small body relaxing when I hold her. She puts her arms around my neck, her head on my shoulder, and we both hold on tight. Her newest development is giving kisses on the lips, which she loves to do while eating. She will be fully immersed in her food, and then all of a sudden lean toward me with her lips puckered. It is truly adorable! She is learning how to use a fork, and very much wants to do the eating by herself. Asha continues to try new foods, with current favorites being fresh mozzarella, graham crackers, tofu with peanut sauce, raisins and English shelling peas from the farmers market. She can scarf up a half a pound in no time at all!

Asha now weighs 18 pounds, which is a 4 pound weight gain since we brought her home! She wears size 6 to 9 month clothes, is petite but powerful, and continues to amaze us with her quick learning and desire to do things all by herself. Here is a photo montage of our summer as a family of three!

4th of July neighborhood parade

Asha loves her nightly bath

Yoga on a swing

One of Asha's two babies, her transitional objects. We don't go anywhere without them.

Asha loves other children, and tries to kiss them all when we go to the park!

Saturday morning farmer's market fun

A trip to the Bay Area Discovery Museum had us all thoroughly enjoying ourselves!

This is a plastic fish, don't worry...

I love this little hand in mine

Peek.....

A boo!!

This girl LOVES water

I waited 3 and a half months for this kiss, it was so worth it.

Below is a short video, just to show you how totally fearless Asha is. She went on this slide 10 times!