An update on no news

We are still awaiting our NOC, and are happy to announce that there has been some movement in paperwork for other families in the process! Hopefully this means our NOC is soon to be issued! Due to some unusual and unique circumstances, there was a two day span where we were informed that our NOC may have been issued. For those two days, we tried very hard to be realistic, to assume that NOC was yet to come, and that it would happen soon. But, truth be told, we were hoping that this treacherous and long part of the process was over. When we found out our NOC had not been issued, it was a real let down. We knew this didn't mean we wouldn't get NOC, but when you let yourself believe you are actually moving forward, it is slightly devastating to find out you are in the same place. It took several days of licking our wounds, and talking to other adoptive families, and we are now feeling back on track.

Celebrating the holidays has been hard this year, as we imagined having our Asha with us during this family time. Expectations can feel like such an obstacle in the adoption process. This time last year, we had yet to receive a referral. We were holding steady at number 3 on the waitlist, and knew that many families received their referral in just this spot. We mused about how next Christmas, it would be a different experience of opening gifts and lazing around, as there would be a little one to run after. This Christmas, we know her face, her name, we've stared into those big brown eyes, and yet her absence was keenly felt as my niece and nephew set the cookies out for santa. She had her own stocking, and lots of gifts, but our sweet girl was thousands of miles away, and that is something we did not expect.

I struggle with how to keep my heart open day after day. I have already connected to Asha, I had no choice. I looked into that face, and I knew. She looks exactly the way she has in my dreams. And yet I must wait, and go to work, and be a wife and a friend and a sister and a daughter. I struggle to be present, when 9 out of 10 times, if you ask me what I'm thinking about, it's Asha. I often hear the feedback from others, "I don't know how you are being so patient...I don't know how you are able to tolerate this wait." It's funny because I don't feel patient at all!!! And I have to tolerate the wait, there is no other option. Some days I feel a deep peace about the adoption. I enjoy my work and my friends, I feel grounded in the now. Each time I sleep in late, spend a Saturday reading a book by the fire, or head out for dinner with Kirk free from conflicted feelings about leaving a child, I try to take note of these freedoms. I try to relish them. I've also been thinking a lot about how my relationship with Kirk will be forever changed when we become parents. I think about my role as a mother, and I get a little short of breath when I think of losing myself to this role. I have fought so hard to be this woman I am today. How do I hold on to her and embrace motherhood with the fierce love I feel in my heart? Much time these days is spent in contemplative thought....

Hopefully, hopefully, NOC soon!!